A relative of a friend emailed me asking if I can provide a professional reference. I have known this person for some time, in a social setting, occasionally meeting at events. He's a good human, but I know little about his work, professional capabilities, ability to show up on time, how this person deals with challenges, and so many more things. I politely declined saying that I am not the right person to provide a professional reference since we do not have a working relationship.

It turns out many people think that they can get a reference if they have interacted with someone in some capacity. But, it takes a lot more.

Over the years I have provided a number of references for students and colleagues that I have worked with.

For instance, in one of the projects that I was a consultant on, the team leader reached out to me about three years later and asked if I can provide a reference. I immediately agreed and wrote a very favorable one for her. The reason, we worked together, we interacted on a daily basis. I was able to see how swiftly and wisely she made decisions when I worked with her on the project. I had nice things to say because we had the opportunity to learn from and about each other.

It is not unusual for me to spend 30 minutes to an hour talking to a potential employer about the strengths and weaknesses of a student who was in my class and why the company should hire this person. However, in this case, I have substantial things to say about the student, what we interacted about, what kind of technical questions did the student raise, what kind of solutions they brought about that intrigued me, did the student show interest in learning far beyond "hey I have a question about the assignment." Did the student participate, did the student refer to articles, blog posts, did the student schedule time to chat, to geek out, to discuss about their views on software development, profession, professionalism, the industry, just about anything to demonstrate a keen interest in the field? In short, did we interact one-on-one on multiple occasions, discussing technical and professional topics. Did I get to take a peek at your thinking?

When I get an email from a person whom I have interacted with at a professional level, my immediate response is "well of course, it will be my pleasure, send them my details." When I get an email from some who says "We were on the same project" or "Hey, I took your class and got an A (or whatever)" can I get a reference, my response is sadly "Sorry, but I have not had a chance to learn about you to provide a meaningful reference."

The purpose of a reference is to let the potential employer learn that they have a strong candidate, why they should hire, and what are the things they need to be aware of and accommodate. It is for them to decide if they are the right place for the candidate and if the candidate is the right person for their team. To make this efforts a success the candidate needs strong and honest recommendations. Such recommendations should include details about their interests, passion, key strength, how they approach problem solving, their emotional and intellectual maturity, ability to interact with others, how they work as a team, and so many other things.  Praising how well someone may have done, in a course or at a job, will fall flat without supporting details that evaluators often look for.

We all need references from time to time. But, well before that time we need to focus on building a professional relationship. I am not saying we need to build a relationship in order to get a reference. References are good side-effects of building a good professional relationship. Build a professional relationship, each day, and it may come in handy if and when you need a reference.